France sends more troops to Groznia; conspiracy theories proliferate

France has dispatched more elite military units to the Central Asian republic of Kalamaristan, where they are attempting to hunt down the separatist guerilla warlord Aslan Gulbuddin, the self-styled Khan of Neo Groznia. Numerous conspiracy theories are circulating concerning the real purpose behind the deployment. In a statement, the Groznian separatists pledged to create a quagmire for the French forces.

"The free people of Groznia will never submit!" said Gulbuddin Khan in a video posted to the Internet. "We will drive out the Frankish invader as we have driven out every occupier for centuries. Kalamaristan is an expansionist octopus, but the glorious scimitars of the heroic Neo Groznian nation will hack off its foul-smelling tentacles until the rivers of our homeland run black with its noxious ink!" (APF, April 1)

Emotions run just as high among the ethnic Kalamar majority, who see Groznia as an historic part of their national territory. In the central square of Kalamaristan's capital, Bashkent, strongman Nursultan Lukashenkovic has erected a gold-plated revolving statue of Ongar the Ongepotchket, the 12th-century Kalamar conqueror who held Groznia for ten days in the year 1154. (RFL/RE, March 12)

A popular theory in the streets of Bashkent holds that Gulbuddin Khan is backed by Coca-Cola in a race with French mineral water interests to win concessions to tap Groznia's mountain aquifers for commerical exploitation. French foodie activist Jose Bovino snorted in contempt at the notion that "the fabled and rarefied waters of the Groznian nagorno will be savaged" for Coke's Bashkent bottling plant instead of being purveyed to an international connossoir clientele. (DPI, March 27)

The theory further holds that American corporate interests have signed a secret document pledging support for Gulbuddin Khan's organization, the Jaish-i-Fitna, in exchange for promised concessions in a future "Dictatorship of Neo Groznia," in which all labor unions and environmental standards will be constitutionally barred. Gulbuddin denied the charge in his statement, and accused Kalamaristani propagandists of "squirting out ink" to "cloud the waters of truth and deceive the peoples of the world." (AlBazeera, March 28)

Planned French incursions into neighboring Ublekistan continued to be stymied by persistently inclement weather. (Ublek News Service, March 25)

Paris, meanwhile, is insisting that Gulbuddin Khan is a global menace and key player in the worldwide terror network. Reports indicate French intelligence has linked Jaish-i-Fitna to the notorious marauding militia of cannabis smugglers in the Sahara, known as the Ganjaweed. The brutal Ganjaweed horsemen took up arms when the puritanical Islamist regime of Suditania attempted to crush their hashish caravans four years ago. (APF, March 24)

France also claims Gulbuddin Khan has sold pirated Soviet nuclear technology to the South American rogue state of Vespugia, where the US is demanding that populist strongman Hugo "Mad Dog" Branzillo abandon his atomic energy program. In response to the charges, Branzillo insisted all his nuclear materials were acquired by legal means and are intended for peaceful uses. However, in the same statement he threatened to reduce the offices of the New York Post to "smoldering, radioactive rubble" unless the newspaper stopped referring to him as "Mad Dog," an appellation adopted from the pejorative nickname for the dictator used by Vespugia's conservative opposition, "El Rabioso." Branzillo's supporters in Vespugia call him "El Valiente." (NAGLA Report on the Americas, March issue)

Links are also claimed to revolutionaries in the Central American statelet of Hungaragua. France says it has traced back to Gulbuddin Khan a large shipment of "terrorist materials" which were intercepted at Hungaragua's principal port, Punta Zanahoria, in early March. The materials were supposedly bound for the Chilaquile National Liberation Front (FCLN) guerillas.

Days later, the first Starbucks outlet in the Hungaraguan captial, Budagua, was targeted by the FCLN. The bomb caused no casualties, but showered the premises and customers with organic chamomile flowers. French intelligence agents who examined samples from the blast said they had determined beyond a shadow of a doubt that the chamomile had originated in Groznia. (Noticias Hungaragüenses via BBC Monitoring, March 12)

The FCLN's masked charismatic leader, Subcommander Nopal, denied the charges. "Our movement is a true and autochthonous one," he said in a communique. "We have no vinculation whatever with the reactionary forces of international gulbuddinismo."

"Those chamomile flowers were not imported from Groznia or anywhere else," he said. "They were grown in the sacred soil of our beloved motherland, Hungaragua. Death to Yankee gastro-imperialism!" (FCLN communique, March 28)

A team of French spies sent to Budagua to investigate the affair apparently returned home early, complaining about the inferior quality of the cuisine. (Le Monde Dipsomatique, March 18)

See also: France intervenes in Groznian revolt