France intervenes in Gronzian revolt

An elite French expeditionary force has been dispatched to Groznia, the breakaway highland region of the Central Asian republic of Kalamaristan. This little-known and long-simmering conflict has been heating up in recent months, and the French commandos are ostensibly there at the invitation of Kalamaristan's longtime strongman Nursultan Lukashenkovic. Paris says the troops have been introduced to protect unnamed "French national interests."

Aslan Gulbuddin Khan, leader of Groznia's guerilla resistance, pledged that "Groznia will be the grave of the malodorous French aggressors," and accused Kalamaristan of being an "expansionist octopus." However, Vojoslav Barkan, the hardline ultra-nationalist opposition leader in Bashkent, Kalamaristan's capital, also opposed the intervention, accussing Lukashenkovic of "betraying our sacred sovereignty to the flatulent Frankish invaders."

In New York, the anti-war International Faction Center released a statement, "Franco-Imperialism Hands off Kalamaristan!", charging that the Groznian separatist movement is a CIA creation in a Western plot to occupy and dismantle Kalamaristan. The statement calls for "international solidarity with the socialist state of Kalamaristan"ódespite the fact that Kalamaristan's 1991 constitution officially disavows its socialist past and pledges "eternal fealty" to free markets. The statement also says that Groznia "is an integral part of historic Kalamaristan." Actually, Groznia had only been ruled by Kalamaristan for 10 days in the year 1154 before the country was appended to the Internal Socialist Republic of Kalamaristan by fiat of Communist dictator Marshall Toto in 1952. (Encyclopedia of Central Asia)

Meanwhile, conspiracy blogger Justin Ruppert Nimmo writes that "the so-called 'Groznian revolt' is obviously a 'false flag' operation by Mossad to lure France into a draining quagmire because she heroically stood up to Bush and the neocons." He insisted that Aslan Gulbuddin Khan doesn't even exist, but is "a straw man of the Straussian neocon puppetmasters."

The respected national security think-tank Stratcom.for asserts that the real "strategic interest" behind the intervention is French investments in Groznia's mineral water resources.

A planned French incursion into neighboring Ublekistan was said to have been cancelled due to persistently inclement weather.

The anti-terrorist Williamsburg Foundation calls Groznian warlord Gulbuddin Khan "a key link in the global terror network, with sinister tentacles spanning the planet." The website says last year Interpol uncovered a complicated conspiracy involving Khan and the Russian mafia to trade black-market caviar to Lebanon's Hezbollah for weapons to arm the FCLN guerillas in the Central American mini-state of Hungaragua. The FCLN, for Chilaquile National Liberation Front, took up arms in 1994 to protest Hungaragua's entry into the World Food Organization (WFO). Their main grievance is the inferior taste and texture of tortillas made from genetically-modified corn. In a recent communique they pledged to "liberate the fatherland from gringo gastro-imperialism." Monsanto is said to be lobbying heavily to have them added to the State Department list of foreign terrorist organizations. The Williamsburg Foundation reminds readers that Hungaragua is "just one day's drive from Galveston, Texas."

April 1, 2006