France claims Groznian link in Vespugia crisis

France is claiming that Groznian warlord Aslan Gulbuddin Khan is providing pirated Soviet nuclear materials to Hugo "Mad Dog" Branzillo, populist strongman of the South American republic of Vespugia. Branzillo's nuclear ambitions have become critical since the recent crisis between Vespugia and its neighbor Clomumbia. The two nations came to the brink of war last month over claims to the contested territory of Gran Garrapata, said to be rich in a rare endangered iguana species which can fetch hundreds of thousands of dollars apiece on the black market to wealthy reptile aficionados.

Branzillo vigorously denied the charges, asserting, "It is the sovereign right of the Vespugian people to pursue nuclear power, but we have no warlike intentions. These are imperialist lies, I am certain." However, in a radio broadcast that same day, he said, "I would rather turn the precious iguana fields of the Gran Garrapata into a lifeless radioactive desert than surrender an inch of territory to the hermaphroditic Clomumbian aggressors." (El Vespugiano, April 1)

The Branzillo regime is increasingly at odds with Washington, and recently threatened to nationalize US orchid plantations in Vespugia. Clomumbia, in contrast, is one of the White House's closest allies in South America. US undersecretary of state for hemispheric affairs Otto von Angstreich called Clomumbia's conservative President Alvaro Albóndiga "a shining light of free markets and democracy in a continent increasingly obscured by the dark clouds of demagoguery." Amnesty International calls him "one of the world's greatest mass murderers since Adolph Hitler." (Chicago Trombone, April 1)

Albóndiga accuses Branzillo of allowing a Clomumbian rebel group, the Tupac Valenzuela Movement (known by its Spanish initials as MTV) to use Vespugian territory in Gran Garrapata as a staging ground. When Albóndiga had hundreds of rebel sympathizers rounded up in sweeps during the border crisis, supporters of the guerilla group filled the main square in Chorizo, Clomumbia's capital, chanting "Yo quiero mi MTV!" (I want my MTV!) (Los Tiempos de Chorizo, April 1)

No light at end of Groznian tunnel

Meanwhile, after two years, an elite French intervention force has had no luck in tracking down the elusive warlord Gulbuddin Khan in the remote mountains of Groznia, a breakaway region of the Central Asian republic of Kalamaristan. In an Internet statement, Gulbuddin Khan said, "The expansionist octopus of Kalamaristan will choke on the indomitable land of Groznia, and the flatulent invaders of the Frankish-Zionist Alliance will be driven from our soil!" (World Terrorism Monitoring Service, April 1)

A planned French incursion into neighboring Ublekistan continued to be put off due to persistently inclement weather. (Ublek News Service, April 1)

Kalamaristan's longtime despot Nursultan Lukashenkovic accuses Washington of backing the Groznian separatists. He especially charges that New York financier George Porous is funding the rebel "Republic of Greater Groznia," declared in the Groznian hinterlands, in a bid to undermine French mineral water concessions granted in the region by the Kalamar government. Porous is said to be heavily invested in put options against Eau d'Asperge, the French firm with the largest contract in Groznia. (Le Monde Dipsomatique, April 1)

Gulbuddin Khan, however, says that his independent state, the "Armed Republic of Groznia Ressurected," has nothing to do with the Republic of Greater Groznia. (APF, April 1) Conspiracy blogger Justin Ruppert Nimmo calls the Republic of Greater Groznia "a creation of the Straussian neocon puppetmasters."

French commandos continue to comb Groznia's notoriously inhospitable mountains in search of the headquarters of Gulbuddin Khan's Armed Republic, while bloggers and counter-terrorism specialists worldwide are mulling the warlord's consistent misspelling of the word "resurrected." (Williamsburg Foundation for National Security, April 1)

April 1, 2008



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Reece

I am currently reading A Swiftly Tilting Planet by Madeline L Engle, and I think this is a cool collection!

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